Distance plays cupid, keeps marriages alive

PUNE: Tara and Aryan Kapur’s three-year-old marriage is still in the ‘honeymoon phase’. They explain that it’s not because of the romance but because of the time they get to spend together.
“In these three years, the longest period we have spent together post marriage is one week,” says Tara. Her husband is a senior director with a German company that handles various installation projects in India and abroad.
“Needless to say, Aryan is travelling for almost a month or more continuously. He gets a breather for a couple of days and then is back to travelling,” says Tara. It is during this ‘breather’ period that the couple gets to meet, as Tara herself is working as a senior executive in a Pune firm which makes it impossible to globe-trot with her husband.
The Kapurs are not alone in their ‘honeymoon phase’ lifestyle. Thanks to the busy times, many couples are willingly settling for a long-distance marriage and making it work.
Avani Phadnis, who is an investment banker, has to travel quite often for work. “My husband, Sandeep Nath, is a freelance cinematographer. Naturally, he too travels a lot. Sometimes it gets quite difficult to find time for each other,” she says.
“More than us feeling bad about it, our families rub it in. They probably don’t realise it, but this continuous questioning about, ‘where is he, why isn't he here with you, are you sure he is committed’, takes a toll.” Avani admits that the couple has not met in the last four months as her husband is abroad for a shoot and she is busy with her job.
Couples today, especially women, are no longer willing to give up on their career. To them companionship as well as a career makes equal sense.
Psychologist Nalini Das says, “Earlier you would find the woman giving up her career to follow her husband - even if the woman’s career was more high-flying than her husband’s. But perceptions have changed and so have priorities.” These couples, says Nalini, are willingly giving up the idea of having a family together.
“To be honest, I would love to spend more time with Aryan and start a family. But it's not possible. Our careers demand our full time,” adds Tara.
She says that though she misses her husband, it’s kind of ‘fun’ meeting like this. “The excitement is always there. We meet after long periods and there is not a single second we waste on silly arguments or such things. The few days that we have together are just for us and that makes it all the more special,” she adds.
Pallavi Singha tried to adjust to her marriage by being the dutiful wife and giving up her career in IT to spend more time with her husband, Mohit, an IT engineer. “We were in two different cities so it was expected that I let go of my job and move to Pune,” says she.
But six months down the line, she realised that the marriage was not working. “Mohit would be on site most of the time. I couldn’t follow him around the globe. There were spouse visas and other formalities involved. So, both of us decided that I should get back to work,” Pallavi says.
Now, both husband and wife are busy travelling and sporadically meeting as and when time and profession permits. Pallavi says, “Our marriage has never been better. Initially our families were skeptical. There were the usual questions of how will we plan a family and others. But we were adamant and finally they gave in.”
Nalini says one interesting thing that is happening nowadays is that couples do not feel estranged when they are in two different places. “It is actually a good thing. They learn to take independent decisions and at the same time the trust factor in the relationship increases. They give each other enough space and that keeps the relationship healthy,” says she.
Tara says, “Fortunately apps like Skype and WhatsApp have made it easier for the relationship to work. Of course, there are moments when you miss the physical presence. Like when you want to connect at an emotional level. But, there is no point complaining. If you can’t change the situation, you might as well embrace it and make the most of it.”